Trials and Convictions

"I implore you, I entreat you, and I challenge you to speak with conviction. To say what you believe in a manner that bespeaks the determination with which you believe it. Because, contrary to the wisdom of the bumper sticker, It's not enough to question authority. You've got to speak with it too."

-Taylor Mali

Wake up, goddamn it!

What do you do when you want to say something but somebody else has already said it better than you could ever hope to? Other than saying, "Fuck yeah!" when you hear them say it, that is.

It's a problem that is also a blessing, because it only happens when an artist is saying something that moves me. I appreciate those days. I try to have as many of them as possible but - to Taylor Mali's point - they seem to be diminishing in frequency.

People don't like to be challenged. They don't want you to have the courage of your convictions, because the cowardice of theirs will begin to show. I'll be the first to say it, "I'm part of the problem."

My grammar and punctuation have gone to shit. My speech has taken on that mainstream interrogative tone that makes it difficult to determine whether I am making a statement or asking a question. I've been dumbing it down for so long, I don't know if I'll be able to smart it back up. This is bad for someone who holds aspirations of being a writer.

I'm a salesman by trade, which means that my livelihood depends on hitching my stated opinions to the bandwagon of my customers. When I first started in this business somebody actually told me that I was having a hard time selling because I'm too tall and my voice is too deep. I have this odd need to eat, so I started hunching and speaking with the voice of the never-ending question that is so popular in Southern California. Ya know? This is especially frustrating for someone who's never really been part of the pack, because I buckled.

As I droned through the American-Consumer existence that keeps us all silently following the herd, I never realized herd living is exactly what keeps one's mind narrowed and vision tunneled. The only way to have a vision of something other than the asses of the teeming herd is to throw off the yoke, and break free.

It's the only chance I'll have to be heard, but what do I have to say that's worth hearing? How will I reach the ears of the other cattle and inspire them to break free from the herd? The only voice I have left is the one I adopted to sound like them, and now I simply blend into the chorus. So the struggle continues. What do I do when I want to say something that somebody else has said better than I can? Just keep trying. I didn't lose my voice overnight. It's a good bet I probably won't find it overnight either. On the bright side, I've got: Taylor Mali, Rives, Black Ice, Jill Scott, Mos Def, Kanye West, Lupe Fiasco, Craig Brewer, David Mamet, Quentin Tarantino, Aaron Sorkin, Hunter Thompson, Alan Moore, Garth Ennis, George Orwell, Bill Hicks, Maynard James Keenan, Lennon and McCartney, and the generations they've all inspired shining their light so I can see where it's hiding.

Character Arc

I just watched the last episode of The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. I am a witness. I am once again inspired by the incredible nature of man.

Taking a look back, I think it was 1993 or '4 when Conan first became a late-night talk-show host. He was awful. That saying about there being nothing more painful than watching a comedian grow? Yeah. Hell yeah. (For the record, listening to a drummer grow is right up there.) It was brutal. The guy was just so uncomfortable in his own skin. Monologues, interviews, riffing with Andy, it was all unbearable. I almost felt bad for the guy. Almost. But it was so awkward, I just wanted to smash his ginger little face in. (I was pretty hostile in those days.) I probably watched a half-dozen times in his first couple of weeks. Then I tuned out.

Cut to 1999-2000. People are asking me if I watched Conan last night. "No! Hell no! That guy is still on the air? I had no idea there was a charisma drought in t.v. land." My friends, who had no idea what I was talking about because Conan was on past their bedtime when he started, began telling me about sketches that actually sounded funny. I checked out the show. Conan somehow managed to finally be comfortable with who he is, and the show had improved. I didn't become a rabid fan, but if Conan's show was on I'd check it out. It was entertaining.

Years and years passed. Then I heard that Jay Leno and his special brand of saccharin comedy were leaving the Tonight Show and Conan's taking over. There was joy throughout Boxxyville on that Triumph-ant night. I know everybody says Jay Leno is a great guy, and that may be true, but the man has never once made me laugh. Ever. Do my parents think he's funny? Sure. Me? I personally think watching someone reenact Mr. Blonde's "Stuck in the Middle with You" scene from Reservoir Dogs with Leno in the chair would be WAY funnier than any one of Jay's monologues. (Too harsh? Whatever. You take my meaning. I'm not a fan.)

I checked out the new Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. Sure. I knew he'd have to tone it down once the mainstream was the core demographic. I had no illusions about seeing Triumph or the Pimpbot on The Tonight Show, but I knew he'd be a step up from Leno. He was. Then again, anything would be a step up from Leno's brand of - I don't want to say "vanilla," because vanilla can be quite delicious. If they made a Water flavored ice cream, that's what Leno's humor tastes like. - Water Ice Cream entertainment.

Getting back on topic, Conan did a good job. Once again, I didn't become a passionate fan, but it seemed like he had taken enough of the frat-house humor out of his act that America would get on board. Man, my finger is so not on the pulse of the American mainstream! So six months later, Conan's ratings are in the shitter, and they're talking about bringing back Leno.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Since I wasn't a rabid Conan fan I wasn't heartbroken. I felt bad for the guy, but he's had a good run. He'll live. As for the American air waves being subjected to Leno once again? Feels like par for the course at this point. But I kept reading headlines and comments about how classy Conan was on his last show, so I thought I'd check it out. He was tremendous. He took some shots at the network brass, as any red-blooded American would in the same situation. He monologued on his wish for it to be a night of fun. He poured out his gratitude to the audience for their outpouring of support and goodwill. And he thanked NBC for the two-decades-long partnership they shared, and expressed his thanks for the opportunity in spite of the acrimonious ending.

Then Conan donned his axe, and closed the show with an all-star band fronted by Will Ferrell as Ronnie Van Zant performing Lynyrd Skynyrd's Freebird. It was amazing. That is an idea that could so easily fall off a cliff into a river of ham-fisted self-pity, but it didn't. It was actually the exact right note.

In a final nod of appreciation to the audience, Ferrell busted out the cow bell. It all just worked. The glue that held it all together was Conan's character, in an era that has lacked character so desperately. Conan O'Brien displayed sincerity, integrity, heart, humor, and all of the best components of our nature that embody the character that eludes most of us. He even went so far as to implore the audience to abandon cynicism - which resonated to my very core. Cynicism is my default stance when faced with adversity. Here was a man facing losing his dream job on an enormous stage, and he faced it with grace and dignity. A man who, a decade-and-a-half earlier, was palpably not comfortable standing in is own skin, walked away with his head held high, his dignity in tact, and said goodbye his way.

I am now a foaming-at-the-mouth rabid Conan O'Brien fan. I can't wait to see what he does next. He has won the full measure of my respect and admiration, and I'm hopeful that the next Conan O'Brien we see will be the best one yet.

You can't always get what you want, but you get what you deserve.

Wake up goddamn it!

Like my mom used to say, "That's what you get."

People are going on a 'round-the-bendie about today's Supreme Court ruling. The one that Keith Olbermann characterizes as a confluence of "Pandora's Box and the bottomless pit."

"Oh no. The corporation can buy politicians, and run amok, and point the nation in whichever direction they see fit, without regard for the citizens!" Oh no! Whatever will we do? What country have you been living in Keith? Did I miss a meeting? How does this new jurisprudence establish anything that is any worse than what has been going on for the last hundred or more years in The Land of the Greed, and The Home of the Slaves?

Who decided that our options for leader of the free world should be luminaries of the human spirit like Bush, Gore, Kerry, McCain, Clinton, Obama? The people? Really? No! Corporate dollars created these puppets. This court ruling doesn't change anything but degree. We might be out of the frying pan, and inexorably into the fire, but either way we're cooked! So, who gives a fuck whether we're golden brown or flambe'd?

Politicians have been slaves to the dollar since their profession began, but we've had term-limits since our government was formed. They're called elections. Richard Pryor tried to get out the "None of the Above" vote two decades ago. Do you want to get rid of corrupt career-politicians? Stop reelecting the incumbent. Who's the bigger asshole? The corporations who pay for the commercials, or the drooling masses who believe the commercials? Get the bullshit out of your agenda. Stop throwing away good, sensible candidates because they don't share your: religious faith, skin color, gender, sexual orientation, definition of marriage, or any other belief that has nothing to do with the greatest good of our nation.

But you're not going to do that, are you? "He's a commie, he's a socialist, he's a fag, he's a catholic, you can't trust a man who's not married, I'm just not voting for her." This is how you want it. Well. You get it.

...And Healthcare for all.

Wake up goddamn it!

Let me first couch my opinions. I am not a Democrat. I am not a Republican. As far as I'm concerned all politicians are equally worthless. Like all rational, thinking people I have some conservative stances and some liberal stances.

With all that said, I'm awed by dyed-in-the-wool Conservatives calling the President "too partisan" with regard to the health care. How does one maintain a straight face while articulating such blatant hypocrisy? Republicans are having two "rebuttals" to the President's speech (which is way more bipartisan than it sounds). One rebuttal immediately following the address so as to not allow the President to completely dominate the news cycle. The other rebuttal will take place after they've had time to muster up some spin and disinformation, so it should be fun.

Pushing past my hot-air, and getting down to health care.
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, -That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."
I'm quite certain I've read that somewhere. Go back and read that again, and you can probably guess where I'm going with this. Who can argue that access to health care is not essential to LIFE, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness? They are inseparable. If the people can "institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such forms, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their SAFETY and happiness," what is wrong with creating an "insurance exchange" and a government-run, non-profit provider?

If you call it socialism and say that you don't want to pay for my health care, then I hope you don't have United Health Care as your insurance provider, because your premiums are already paying for by diabetes treatment. Just as our premiums went into paying for my triplet niece and nephews' stay in the NNICU when they were born 8 weeks early. The premiums paid by the healthy are subsidizing the treatment of the sick. We all take our turn on both ends of the cycle. This only seems to be a problem when the subsidy is called a "tax" instead of a "premium." Call it "macaroni." I'm always up for some antics, but as long as I've got medical professionals to tend to me if I go into an insulin coma I don't give a shit what you call it.

If you tell me taxes are too high, Cousin, you done stepped in it. I am not married. I do not own a house. I do not, nor do I intend to have children. I will not live to collect one cent of Social Security. How do my tax deductions compare to yours? How does my tax benefit compare to yours?

If you don't feel like you should pay for my health care, then kindly tell your parents and grandparents to give me back my fucking Social Security payments. You can pay to complete your garage and let them putter around in there. Or pay to euthanize them. I don't give a shit, but give me back my money. Furthermore, you can pay for your kids' tuition, books, athletic uniforms, etc your damn self. Shut up, and give me back my money. I'll use it to pay for my own damn health care.

Of course that's not the way I feel about the matter. I'm playing devil's advocate to make my point. I don't want previous generations who made this country strong and sacrificed for my freedom to live in squalor. They should get Social Security. I don't want younger generations to grow up to be stupid, ill-informed jackals (though I question their parents' and teachers dedication to that cause.) I want our society to be civilized one. So let's act like it, and take care of one another instead of quibbling over semantics.

Status Quo

Wake up goddamn it!

I heard Carlos Santana say, "Everyday is a battlefield, but if you fight with anger in your heart, you're the problem. If you fight with joy, you're the solution." Amen brother! (By the way if you want a source of joy check out "Safiatou" by Herbie Hancock ft. Carlos Santana and the amazing Angelique Kidjo. If that don't make you feel good you have no soul. If you have no soul you needn't read any further. Damn it, this ain't for you.)

Santana hit it on the head, my minions. I would alter the wording slightly, "If you fight with hatred, you're the problem. If you fight with bitterness, you're the problem." In order to fully round out the concept expressed by Santana, it must be combined with an idea expressed by the incomparable Dr. Maya Angelou who said, "If you're not angry you're either a stone, or you're too sick to be angry. You should be angry. Now, mind you there's a difference, you must never be bitter...Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn't do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger, yes. You write it, you paint it, you dance it, you march it, you vote it, you do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it." You're goddamn right!

Take a look around, minions. If you're not angry you're either a stone or you're too sick to be angry. That is largely true. We must also include a vast percentage of the population that is too tame to be angry. We've been taught to be passive. "You shouldn't let that upset you. There's nothing you can do about it." Yeah. Right. Why should I get myself worked up about it? There is nothing I can do to change it. I'm only one man. But there is something WE can do about it. We could change things. We should change things. We all agree to varying degrees that things are pretty much fucked. Why aren't we angry? Nevermind doing everything about it. Why aren't we doing anything about it? Because it's too damn hard. Actually, it's not. Together we can accomplish anything, but we've been conditioned to make the minimal acceptable effort in all things. We don't want to rock the boat, because we could lose everything. All of our comforts, and shitty-little possessions, and everything we love could be snatched away if we don't stay in line and silently follow the herd. At least that's what the culture of fear leads us all to believe. We want shiny cars, and giant TV's, and a pretty wife without a thought in her head, and a rich husband with no soul, and perfect little children to whom we can never say "No" that a live in a big, beautiful house that appreciates in value at regular intervals. Right? They're not just wants, they're needs. These are the things you need in order for your life to mean something, and your life has to mean something, at least in everybody else's eyes. You can't do anything to impede whatever forward momentum you might have toward obtaining these things. They're the tangible evidence that you are good. The cost? Doesn't matter. You have to stay in line. You can't rock the boat. You can't object. You can't question.
..."all of your lack of aggression. Pull your skirt back down. Grow a set, man!"-Shawn Carter.

The status quo also seems to mandate that all of the reproducers need to recite the herd's motto, "What about the children? What kind of world are we going live for our kids?" If you're having a hard time reconciling how questions can be a motto, so am I. That's just what a bunch of pussies we've all become. Well, when combined with the fact that nobody bothers to look at the answer. I don't even have kids, and I'm terrified of the world we're leaving my niece and nephews, and all of the generations to follow. A world where the parents haven't told their kids "No." As a result, they never learn to deal with disappointment or adversity. Which means they'll never learn to overcome disappointment or adversity, which you do by fighting. Fighting those feelings of defeat builds the character that is needed to make your world a better place. The character you need to: question authority, to fight injustice, to stand up and shout in defense of reason in the face of an irrational mob, to fight with the joy that comes from the knowledge that we as a species are capable of so much more than this. The joy that comes from the knowledge that you have indeed left behind a generation better than yours, who can leave behind a generation better than their's, and so on until, many generations from now, humanity reaches our fullest potential, and accomplishes all of which we are capable.

Just the knowledge of the fact that such potential exists, and that we have only glimpsed it in: Newton, and Einstein, and Shakespeare, and Davis, and Lennon, and Pryor, and Kinison, and Bill Hicks, and Dr. Angelou, and Dr. King, and Malcolm X, and Beethoven, and Mozart, and all of the genius that has come before us, and has left a better world for us, is enough to fill me with joy I can barely contain. It feels me with joy in spite of the fact that we are falling immeasurably short of achieving this potential. That we're wasting it. We're just giving it all away. That is why we must fight! We must fight with joy of our potential success, and anger about our recent failures, but never bitterness. What other choice is there?

My boy Maynard James Keenan told us, "the only way to fix it is to flush it all away." We better hope he's not right. We better be ready to fight.

Leverage

Wake up goddamn it!!


They say, "you can't trust a man who's never been married." What they mean to say is, "the wicked can't trust a man who's never been married."

How can you trust a man like this? Which is to say, how can you trust someone you can't control? If you're his boss and you need him to compromise his morals and/or integrity how can you persuade him to do things your way? He doesn't have a wife who will nag him mercilessly until his dying day if he makes a decision that costs him a promotion and her dreams of fine home furnishings. He doesn't have children whose educations and future security you can threaten.

If you're a woman interested in securing her future, what do you do with this man? Give him the pussy until he can't live without it? Get him to marry you? Give him a child who he loves above all? Give him the sense that a mortgage and two car notes will make life complete? Bury him under a mountain of obligation that he can't possibly walk away from without earning the scorn of everyone he knows? What if he can smell a lie, and will only marry an honest woman? What if that ability allows him to reject the premise that you must have a wife and kids to have a life that is "worth something"?

It seems that everything in our society has become about leverage. Become the gatekeeper to someone's happiness, and they will do thy bidding. What if their happiness comes from within? What if they determine their own worth and don't give a damn what anyone else thinks? You have nothing with which to threaten them. How can you trust this person? To me is sounds like he is inherently trustworthy. He is guided by morality and integrity. But what if you are not? Ah! There's the rub. If your intentions are corrupt, how can you trust this man without any leverage over him? You can't.
You can't trust a man who's never been married.

Fuck Santa Claus! Fuck him up his stupid ass!!

Wake up goddamn it!

Is it any surprise that my resentment of Jolly Old Saint Nick was awakened while watching Badder Santa on DVD? Not because of any of Billy Bob's actions as the title character. Though I am quite envious of the fact that he spent half the movie groping Lauren Graham's sweet ass. (Lucky bastard.) No. Not that. I was startled by the realization that all of the bullshit that we deal with in the adult world, all of the games in romantic relationships, all of the passive-aggressive manipulation we deal with at work, all of these behaviors stem from Santa Claus. Well, the lie that is Santa Claus anyway. Think about it, my minions. What is Santa Claus? It's a lie that the world tells to children to make them feel good, and give their parents a vicarious joy. Oh, I understand it. Look at their little, smiling faces. It's adorable, no arguments here. But what are we teaching our kids with this fantasy? What lesson do they take from it when it gives way to the reality that there is no Santa Claus? We all tell kids that it's not okay to lie, but we show them that it is okay to lie if you're doing it to make somebody feel good. I realize that's not the intention, but look at the results. How many people do you know who lie to manipulate people's emotions to some self-serving end? How many people do you know grew up believing in Santa Claus? I've done the math. The application of Advanced Boxx-imetrics to this scenario has confirmed my theories.

What's easier to tell somebody? That you're fucking somebody else because you can't control your base urges, or that you're going out with the girls? You love your boyfriend. You don't want to hurt him, but you want to have your cock and eat it too. You get something out of both relationships. Just as your parents got joy out of watching you beam with happiness when you opened the presents that Santa brought you. Now put down the self righteous indignation, and get over the initial shock of what a huge leap it is from the Santa conspiracy to getting some strange poon when you're supposed to be helping your buddy move, and look at it. I'm not saying it's an immediate, over-night jump from Santa to fucking your wife's best friend on her couch, obviously. But slowly, over the years from childhood to adult-life. Year after year, and lie after "harmless, little white-lie" you inch your way there. All the while using "protecting their feelings" as the justification for whatever self-serving manipulation is on the menu. When was the last time you were honest with the people you love? When was the last time you were honest with yourself? How did it get this far? Can you even see where you started? I can. It was in some fat-guy's sleigh. That's why I say, "Fuck Santa!"

Give someone you love some honesty this Christmas. Let DeBeers fend for themselves.