Life in Reverse

Wake up goddamn it!!!

I think I've realized the disconnect. I seem to be living life in reverse. It seems to me that everyone goes about their life looking for love and another person to spend their life with. Wife, kids, a big house, financial security, and so forth. Once they get settled, and get all of those distractions dealt with, they begin the road to self discovery. I would say the most important road. It's an endeavor they undertake with varying degrees of dedication and effort. Many times it is a completely unconscious process. Different people meet with different levels of success, but that seems to be the most common arc.
I've been going about my life the other way around, and that seems to have landed me in opposition with the rest of my species. It is not a malicious opposition, but it seems to keep me from finding an equal footing or common ground with my people. I am years behind my compatriots in the realm of the physical. Wife? No. Kids? No? Financial security, big house, white picket fence, "The American Dream"? Take a wild guess. You may sense a big hairy but lurking around the corner...
BUT!
That does not mean I am unhappy. Quite the contrary.
Contentment? Confidence? Knowledge and love of self? Knowledge of who and what is important to me? Yes on all counts. Which is not to say that the world is my oyster. Far from it. I'm not even close to achieving all of the physical comforts, achievements, and successes that my peers have. It makes life difficult at times, but life can be difficult. It's a journey. That's one of the things I've realized that many of my peers won't until they are older and wiser, and have been through all of the psychological and philosophical hazards that I have traversed in through the past years.
I've felt the rift between me and the rest of the world most of my life, but it was always vague. It frequently made me feel freakish, and always made me feel different. Within recent years I realized the source of the rift. The differences in approach, philosophy, and priorities. Within the past few hours I came to the realization that I have been very judgmental about the entire situation, while being very resentful of everyone else's judgments. Just today I realized the foolishness of this. My judging engendered bitterness, which served only to widen the rift between me and the rest of the world, especially women. I've been very bitchy about the fact that everyone else's priorities and philosophies flow in a direction opposite my own. I guess because it made me feel so freakish, because I felt I had NOTHING common with my fellow man. Now I know we're all travelling the same road, I (and the few whose follow a similar approach) are just in traffic in the opposite direction.

This bares great significance on another impactful, recent realization. This rift has been the main impetus behind my monumental quest to find female companionship. A few days ago it occurred to me that I had given up on women. Not consciously at first. Initially I started keeping women at arms-length as a self-defense mechanism. There are so many women who have been damaged by shitty boyfriends, judgmental parents, and phony friends, that the only possible outcome was that they would eventually damage me, possibly beyond repair. Similar points can be made about most men. Which is why most people in general hide behind a veneer of bullshit. The thickness may vary, but almost everyone has a protective shell. However the vast rift between the world's pursuit of the physical and my pursuit of the spiritual (for the complete absence of a better word), made the situation appear so dismal that I just gave up without even realizing it. This does say a lot about the bleakness of the situation, because I am not a quitter. I have endured through some tough situations. I live with disease everyday, yet I tackle each day head-on with a smile and a fire for living.
The situation is bleak, but not entirely hopeless. Most men and women have their heads firmly ensconced in their asses. I don't want what they want, and they don't want what I want, at least that's what I thought. As it turns out we all want the same things. We just go about it different ways. I am not currently pursuing what women are currently pursuing, and vice versa. But ultimately we all have the same needs as humans. We all want love and happiness, and the companionship of someone who totally understands. It sounds cheesy and lame, but kiss my ass. You're fooling yourself if you've got blood running through your veins and you claim you don't want this. You're not fooling me, but you're definitely fooling yourself. That is the common ground we all share. The key is I need to stop judging women for their approach. They in turn need to stop judging me for mine. Basically each of us needs to get the fuck out of our own way and put down the bullshit, not to put too fine a point on it. Get over yourself, at least make the effort. I'll do the same. Make the journey full speed ahead, otherwise your just spinning your wheels.
There is hope. That is why I have to give you an alternate version of my standard salutation as we head toward a new day.
Good Morning.

Reality Bites

I wanna live in the world Bob Marley sings about. Unfortunately there are no exhorbitant profits to be made in that world, so we'll probably never get there. Anyone who works in the corporate world knows what I'm talking about. When two paths diverge in a jungle, the one paved with gold will always have more traffic than the one lined with flowers.

That started as a message of hope as I was listening to Legend on the way to work, but reality jumped up and kicked it in the ass.

Sorry.

Internal Combustion

Somehow I've gotten better a gaining minor social acceptance while nearly losing the ability to genuinely connect with people altogether. Both started as deliberate choices, but snowballed way out of hand.

Theater of the Random

If we're dating and you couldn't care more about what your parents think, and I couldn't care less about what your parents think. (Or mine for that matter.) Who's the asshole?
(Since your parents raised and adult-child who is totally preoccupied with their parents' opinions, they are also viable candidates to be the correct answer.)

I hate anyone who refers to their home as their "showplace".

Normal people scare the shit out of me. God knows how they act when they're not busy looking normal. I like idiosincracies and foibles like I like tits: right out where I can see 'em.

Since we're not supposed to refer to lame and unmanly behavior as "gay", because it's desparaging to homosexuals, or call men who behave in such a fashion as "bitches", because it's degrading to women; could someone do me a solid and come up with alternate terms we can use? Thank you.

...oh! And "retarded"! Apparently we need a substitute for retarded. Thank you.

Just a thought...

I like having nice things too. But the only possessions they can't take from your are your mind, heart, and soul. If you choose to sell them, how will you get them back?

In the beginning...

"Choices always were a problem for you
what you need is someone strong to guide you."-Maynard James Keenan





Wake up goddamn it!!!





It's me, Ralph Waldo Boxxy Brown here to tell it like it is. (Get used to Boxxy M.F. Brown's multiple aliases. They are endless.) I will be reporting on state of the world. There's a lot of craziness out there, and this is the place to talk about it. However, the "Who? What? When? Where? How? and Why?" of world events are of little concern to me. Well... the "why" tends to interest me, but I'm not here to report all the news that's fit to print. I'm here for the news that's unfit to print. All of the things they don't talk about. All of the things they won't talk about. All of the things YOU won't talk about... but wish you could. I wish you would. These things need to be said. If they go on unspoken, we will go on unchecked in our downward, ego-driven spiral.


I just now decided that this will be my first topic, my minions. The unspoken. That which polite society, and the rest of us won't say. From the polite to wantonly passive-aggressive (who's numbers are shamefully vast.) We won't talk to each other. We won't say,"I love you" or "I hate you" only "I like you... I think." Where did the passion go? The inidividuality? The honesty, for fuck's sake?!?! If you want an eye-opening experience, start listening to what isn't being said. You will learn much more about people this way. Starting with how much their self-image is dependent on what other people think. This will quickly allow you to guage how much they don't love themselves. I don't say this in judgemental way. I say this with great empathy. I tried that approach too. It is a path to the abyss. There is nothing for you there. The staggeringly wise Maya Angelou told Dave Chappelle, "Don't pick it up and don't lay it down." Like you, I wasn't sure what she meant by that until she amplified the statement. Quite simply, if you grab onto the opinions of others at the times when they tell you "you're great..." or "you're the best..." you must also hang yourself on the times when they say, "your past it. You're nothing." You might protest, but give it some thought. Allowing the praise to swell your ego means that the criticism will inevitably diminish your conceptualized self. I implore you to "know thyself". You determine your own worth. At least you can. The choice is yours. It's a great thing choice, but you must choose wisely. Please don't choose based on what makes you look cool. What the hell does that mean anyway? To be "cool". I know this much: They harder you try to be cool, the less cool you actually are.


Have you ever told somebody, "Don't make me feel bad about that!" They're not. Your actions are making you feel bad. You knew it was wrong when you did it. It felt good at the time, so you did it anyway. Now you feel bad. Think about why that mechanism exists. Why would the knowledge that you did something wrong manifest itself pysically? Why does burning yourself hurt? So your stupid-ass doesn't leave your hand over the flame until you damage yourself beyond repair. If it makes you feel bad, stop doing it before your stupid-ass damages yourself (or someone who love's you) beyond repair!!!! It's your rampaging ego that allow you to justify your selfish nonsense. Don't let it.


I tangented a little at the end there, but my blood sugar is low and I must go eat. It's a blog, what'd you expect?


I love you, my minions. (Don't let it go to your head.)

-Boxxy M.F. Brown



"If you want to get your soul to heaven
trust in me now don't you judge or question."-Keenan